About Elder Shredder

master procrastinator, atheist, bipolar, skateboarder, dad, labrador owner, bassist, ale drinker, ncfc, film buff, book worm, comic reader, punk music listener, occasional scribbler

A Day Off With the Kids

Today I had a day off work to spend with the kids for the beginning of half term. That, however, is not quite how it worked out. Instead, I’ve spent most of the day in bed having been awake all night following a bout of food poisoning.

I went to the theatre last night to see Jack Whitehall. To be honest, I didn’t find him hilarious, but he did raise a few laughs. Before the show, my wife, my father-in-law and I had a meal in the restaurant. There was not a lot to choose from, this being a Sunday, so we had a sharing platter of olives, falafel, little mushroom balls stuffed with rice (a bit like a mini risotto in a ball), sun dried tomatoes and salad, you get the gist. I then had the “superfood salad” which consisted of cold broccoli, what seemed to be a whole tub of cherry tomatoes, avocado and rather a lot of gritty quinoa. I didn’t eat it all, it was too large, but on the whole it was absolutely fine.

As the show went on, I could feel the falafel settling, and by the time we left I could feel my stomach cramping up which made for an uncomfortable journey in the back of the car.

Rather than heading home, we went back to my in-laws to stay the night, it being half term, and having come straight from the caravan earlier, it made sense to do so, I planned to head out with the kids somewhere first thing in the morning. I headed up for bed not long after we got back, discovering T asleep on my side of the bed I decided to sleep in his bed.

I couldn’t get to sleep. Unusual for me as I’m usually out like a light then struggle to stay asleep. After a couple of hours of tossing and turning I felt that sweet taste in my mouth which means run to the toilet quick!

I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t pleasant and there was a lot of it. After an indeterminate amount of time spent languishing on the bathroom floor between bouts of vomiting, I made my way back to bed. Unable to go back to sleep for fear of a repeat experience, with a pain in my gut and my head both of which throbbed rhythmically in time with my heart.

I finally drifted off about dawn, into a solid six hours of uninterrupted sleep. Waking up about an hour ago as my wife brought me a cup of tea and some plain biscuits.

The upshot is, I now feel guilty. Guilty for spending a days holiday from work in bed. Guilty because my mother-in-law has had to entertain the children while I’ve been asleep. Guilty because my wife has had her day interrupted at work with the kids hanging around. But, I feel most guilty for missing out on the time I should have been spending with my children today. I get to spend such precious little time with them as it is, and on a day that has been anticipated for months, I spend most of it in bed.

No Biscuits

I’ve just been musing with a mate on WhatsApp about a world without biscuits. Isn’t it weird the places your mind takes you to when you’re bored? Transcript below:

Just imagine a world without biscuits. There would be carnage! Thank God (I have chosen Dionysus, the Greek God of wine, intoxication, chaos, and ritual frenzy, as today’s deity) for biscuits!

BTW, Dionysus had the power to bring the dead back to life. A power that was bestowed on him by his father, Zeus. Zeus had resurrected the young Dionysus after the Titans had lured him into their cave, slit his throat, chopped him up and roasted him for dinner! It came back to kick them in the arse though, as it was then that Zeus, having finally had enough of the old gods, killed them all! Dionysus also had the power to induce mass hysteria and madness. What a dude eh?

At least I think that’s right, you may want to google him to double-check, my Greek mythology is a bit hazy these days.

Whilst I’m procrastinating about gods instead of doing any housework, did you know the story of Noah’s Ark was actually plagiarised from a much older Sumerian story?

From what I can remember the story first appeared around 2000BC, a full 1000 years before the Biblical version, in the tales of Atrahasis and Gilgamesh. In the Sumerian story, a dude called Atrahasis is told, by the gods, to build an Ark to preserve the species of the Earth from the Deluge, as they called it.

The Sumerians had a shed load of gods, all led by the big three. Anu, who was in charge of the sky, Enlil, who looked after the earth, and Enki, who lived in the oceans. Now, these three were normally squabbling amongst themselves, but having finally had enough of the humans they had created mucking things up on the Earth, they put their differences to one side, clubbed together and sent the Deluge to wipe out mankind.

Just like the story of Noah in the Bible.

It’s quite interesting reading, if you ever get the chance. Atrahasis and Gilgamesh. There’s a lot of similarities between the Sumerian writings and the Old Testament, with plagues and famines and droughts being sent by the gods to sort out man before finally reaching tether’s end and flooding the world to get rid of him.

And to think people actually believe all this shit actually happened for real and was done by the One God? Just goes to show how gullible humans are.

n.b. You might want to fact check this as it’s been a very long time since I studied any of this stuff.

Another poem

I used to write a lot of poetry and stuff when I was younger. I don’t seem to do it so much these days. Here’s another one, from years ago. It’s called Annabel.

Annabel tries,
but misunderstands.
The memories of yesterday,
the shadows of time,
lay up upon her mind.
She’ll try to run away,
on to another day,
she’ll pray for rain today,
but, the sun is awake.

If you wanted to try singing it, it works to the tune of See Emily Play, an early Pink Floyd song.

Has someone been to rude to you on the phone?

Somebody was rude to my best work friend today on the phone. I told her that if and when they call back to tell them:

“My mate Mal has a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like you. If you apologise for your rudeness, that’ll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you, but if you don’t, he will look for you, he will find you, and he will smash your face in.”

It just occurred to me that should any of you lovely readers of my blog have a similar issue, please feel free to say the same to whoever has been rude to you on the phone. If they fail to apologise, leave as many details as you can in the comments section and I shall follow through on my promise to avenge you.

Boris

A guy in my local, who’s very pro Boris, asked me recently what I thought of our new Prime Minister. He was a bit taken back when I said “I think he’s an obnoxious, duplicitious, bare faced lying cunt who I wouldn’t trust to make a decent cup of tea let alone lead the country at this most perilous of times”. I also said a lot more but finished with “I’ll ask you the same question after he and his duplicitous little minions have fucked this country and his head is on a spike outside the Bloody Tower after the coming civil war. Providing your head isn’t on a spike outside Norwich Castle, of course”

He said I was being a tad over dramatic.

I mentioned this to a friend of mine who responded with “I agree with every word you say! Perhaps best for me not to meet your friend!” Before finishing with “I think we are already in a very British Civil War, happily without weapons, yet…”

To which my response was

“A war I fear we are losing. I suspect all this is going to have long lasting ramifications on politics, and indeed, society and our culture as a whole. The beginning of the end of our civilisation as we know it. Let’s hope the next one’s a better one”

Fingers crossed eh?

A slightly boring Saturday morning.

This morning I find myself sitting in the Kia Dealership in Thetford while I await our Sorento to have it’s first MOT. It’s hard to believe we’ve had it three years already. And in those three years all sorts of things have happened. I’ve gone from a crappy contract position to a year at home as a stay at home dad to being in regularly full time employment for the first time in years, and almost having, but managing to avoid, another self inflicted, stress induced breakdown last year. The kids have grown older, T has gone from pre-school to reception to year one at school and seems to be doing OK, despite his focus issues and general lack of attention to anything! E has gone from crawling to walking to talking and generally being a very bossy nearly four year old. Both of them are absolutely amazing and so very different to each other but on the whole get along excellently. L has had to have several teeth removed, but seems a much happier Labrador. She must have been in so much pain for so long, poor pooch. So with time on my hands while I await the fate of the MOT I’ve managed to add this quick blog post, and I’ve got a cupful of liquid that is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. I do miss Douglas Adams.